Fighting is absolutely necessary in relationships for me. Without fighting there is no passion and without passion there is no true love. There’s no challenge, no push to grow together, no struggle, no climax, no resolutions, no make-up sex. It’s basically stagnant and stale. No, thank you.
@bera, I've thought about it some and I think I can better delineate what I mean.
Usually, people use hatred to mean "ill will", or "wanting someone to suffer" etc, especially out of petty, narcissistic envy. In that sense, what I described would not be properly called that, so I see what you mean. But there's a white-hot anger that surrounds an unhealed sense of injury or "unfairness" deep in the psyche that I think can be called that since it can be very hostile too! Even if that hostility is not allowed to see the light of day. Only it will feel self-justified in its hostility, which is what's terrifying about it and why many people suppress it: I suppose self-righteous anger or retributive 'justice' is born out this blistering rage. Perhaps rage or bitterness are closer than hatred as descriptions, but I think it's complex.
Lol. I love how so many discussions have turned into a long discussion of what emotions are.
@fae - I have felt hate under these circumstances too and it was not even hidden deep within my heart, it was overt, close to the surface, it exploded when I talked to my love interest. 🙂 There were also the vengeance vibes. Vengeance vibes are very low and damaging. I have felt the lowest level of desire to take revenge and I almost took it...feeling sick stopped me from doing it.
I do not wish anyone to be the target of seelie Fi hate. We consider ourselves good people and have the conviction of doing what is right and we also feel no social constraint to act a certain way. And Se can be pretty mean too. You get a Trickster - Witch combo no one wants to face. Oh, the games I played, the evil games I played. :))
After almost taking revenge and after becoming sick, sickness opened my eyes. I was the evil character in that story. 🙂 And fearing I might never be able to set things right again, I asked him for forgiveness and forgave him too, it was a good closure, no hatred has remained and after that I never felt hatred rise again in my heart for a love interest, though I have kept the ability to fall in love untainted.
I think the best thing to do in this situation is to see that no one can add or take away anything from your core self. You are you even when loved once cheat on you, lie to you or generally disappoint you. It seems like love is taken away but love is a subjective experience of the other person...not something that is part of you. You are you with someone else's love and you are you without it. There is nothing that can be taken away from your heart. The same overflowing loving energy remains. No evil can truly touch you because your heart is a pure spring made of holy water that will remain pure no matter what it touches. <3
Metta helps a lot with this, I am sure.
Do you know what this guy told me during our last fight?? 🙂 That I should look more into typology. And that this is the last piece of kind advice he is giving me. (he is NeTi I think, he hits you with detached observations when you want to hit him with real objects) :)))
But it was a very kind advice indeed, here I am. 😉 Every experience has a good seed in it, we must just find it and grow it instead of focusing on the parts that are less pleasant. <3
I would never consider myself much of a fighter. Maybe thats because i dont have Fe conscious.
The few times i have been in fights it is when i am pushed to my absolute limit. Then there is no stopping me. I have learned to calm myself more quickly but the same aggression is still there.
Refusing to fight presents lots of problems. I would say more than dealing with aggression consciously.
That being said some of my most warm and endearing moments with my friends are when we are play fighting. However depending on the peoples reactions around me i wont do it in public for fear of making others uncomfortable. I like a little bit of combat and am very fascinated by people who move with extreme grace and power.
I used to be on a personality forum a while ago and was very caught up in stirring the pot. Experience has taught me to pick fights very carefully and that the universe has a way of winning battles in your favor.
With that said a little part of me likes the scandals. Maybe my life is too boring. So i look at others who stir the pot as endearing because i’ve been there and even though i choose not to involve myself with drama i do enjoy seeing it unfold.
However excessive fighting and arguing quickly depletes me. I really do value harmony, but I'm also not afraid of the process that creates it, which unfortunately at times means a little bit of disagreement.
Otherwise, this is one of those things I won’t get past. If nothing else, my partner has to grant me the presumption (a very strong presumption!) of good motives. I have dropped every friendship where I came to see this presumption lacking. Not right away, of course! Usually it’s after lots of rounds (because my Ne has to rule out a bagillion possibilities before I can really be sure.) Like I said, it’s the one thing I can’t get past, just recalling my history.
I really relate to this even though we have zero functions in common. I too give people many chances and a lot of time to redeem themselves if they keep messing up in my book. I too wish to be seen as having good motives and just in general feeling like my weaknesses and flaws are accepted. I try to believe other people have good motives too and really want my own motives to be pure. Something that is really difficult with the functions I have.
As far as the fighting and conflicts though I have noticed a similar trend with SiTe types. Especially Erik Thor who I think self identifies as an INFJ but auburn has him typed on here as SiTe. I watched a video awhile ago with him and two Socionics beta types and he absolutely does not like any sort of conflict.
I envy the delta types because of this, they seem to be able to make their relationships work without drama and conflict. For me I might get bored with that. I am still trying to figure out how to release my aggression in healthy ways. Just seems like the deltas don't even get there. Lucky ducks 🙂