After so many argument threads, I'm now in the mood for an open-hearted sharing thread. <3
The discovery of Development Levels is intriguing! We don't yet know how or why this happens, if it can be made to happen on purpose, or why some people develop more functions than others. Apparently it's not a necessary component for a meaningful and productive life, considering Einstein was Ne I--- . But yet, so many of us develop extra functions.
For those of you who have more than one function developed, do you have any theories on when or why this happened? Obviously it can't be proven, but I'm curious if you've explored this and what theories you came up with.
And here's another question which anyone can answer, including I---'s : Do you have the sense that your destiny will entail developing another function in particular? If so, do you have ideas on how you might go about this?
this is probably just what it's like to grow-up/coming of age lol, here i try to describe Je. though i know there's more than that going on.
there will be tangeants.
i was at kid-school, sat under a tree inside of a tyre, watching everything that was going on.
i was waiting to get back into class so i could do more stuff. which usually involved putting self in nearest supply-cupboard stacked to the brim with papers and tests and just mentally savaging everything and trying to avoid being spat-at by FUCKIN PAPER BALLS CANT U SEE IM TRYIN TO ADULT HERE?.
i had finished all of my homework for the week and started to do others too.
that was going okay, i could just keep doing that. if i learn enough, i can leave [these people], and if i learn a LOT, i can leave faster, get a husband,a dog and a house.
if i asked for more work, the headteacher was just gonna say i was being provoking again, so i made a point to outdo her at every waking moment of our interactions-ever. 🙂 you're dead now.
tbh i thought i was gonna go insane.
i never felt like i knew enough to be "prepared to leave school and go out into the world" (felt like bootcamp to me, ever looming exit - but did not feel like i was being taught right) - but school-education felt like my only source of information at the time. my fam - we're all sat in the dark with no electicity eating a can of beans between us pretending its 1845.
so - back to me sitting in a tyre in a field, at recess...
in this tyre i began to think about the world and then some asshole came over and tried to give me a daisy and i told him to get lost. wtf i am clearly here to be alone in tyre-castle.
and i was very upset about that, so i then grabbed a random daisy and ate it LOL.
and this is basically how my life went. sigh.
and i kinda had, some sort of brand-new, above viewpoint, on the world, somewhere between sitting in a tyre eating daisies and programming the shit outta sponsered movement-input robots so i could be left-alone to study more *90s increases*.
i looked around, and everyone was poor and struggling and heading towards destruction and there was chaos everywhere, it was not cohesive. this was not just my fam, i thought.
things were splintered and heading off in all sorts of directions. i was very angry about it but also felt trapped by it - was there no way out of it? i couldn't think that far. i didn't know any better, at the time.
it was just how life was.
i carried-around a "heavy head", and plunged myself into more work as time went on.
maybe i'm not seeing what THEY are seeing, i thought?
this grated on my conscience for a while.
because i kept thinking - it's going to get better, someone will step-in.
they must know what they are doing.
but they didn't, and time felt wrong - there was a pace that wasn't being kept-up with. (this sense of timing i will never be able to explain, i don't think).
i also learned how to whistle.
i whistled 24/7.
my parents hated me, so now i just troll them silently on the way-by and there's nothing they can do about my spaghetti-arms,
and no chance of me getting my face taped-shut ever again. 🙂
i waited for as long as i could before i even spoke up because i felt like i had to "respect elders", at the same time as feeling like i would not be taken seriously.
but then, one could say i saw the future and what it brought - it was not what i thought that they [people] wanted. i listened.
it wasn't matching up with what they were saying or doing, either.
i realised their plans were not going in the "right" direction. that was something actually for-sure/for certain, it stuck.
these people suddenly became my job, or challengers to overthrow - i saw them unfit.
i sometimes didn't feel fit either, so that was hard on me. just constant battles.
i was, just, unnaturally serious for my age.
and i thought, i'm going to show everyone how to win - that was the first idea - it was a good compromise because i wasn't getting anywhere by force (very messy, trying to fit shapes).
so if i just lead the way, then they can follow, and everyone will be safe.
que me doing sports and stuff in slow-mo hell-yea.
as for direction...i never did anything about it, that came later.
i was given tasks, i nagged for tasks, and went home and basically cried because sleep is death to me.
something was really wrong in those times.
i just made sure to succeed in everything that i did, and look great doing it. but nothing ever felt enough.
i had to expand it OUTWARDS. GO GO GO!
it doesn't really get any happier from that point onwards. i thought i was going to explode from fervor.
i had nowhere "right" to put it, according to everyone around me.
was it too big? what the fuck is going on? can't we expand everything? just make more of it?
so i just had to keep stuffing it in and spilling over again and again.
it was like holding a bucket of flaming lava which came with a permanent expression of ohmygod.
i got more into teamsports, horse-dressage, computing/programming.
every yearbook photograph, ohmygod.
i drew many faces and cats and comics - commentary about the world,
which were almost always satires and never ended well.
at the same time i was writing books and drawing portaits of people i saw, in secret.
ballpoint pens were the best.
and i practiced my expressions in the mirror.
i was slowly getting into acting,
but i didn't realise that was my path, back then, because nobody had exposed me to the concept.
i was a dunce in so many ways. but i knew i had something.
i was becoming both very strange and strangely-wise.
at this point i had started to become ornery toward everything.
so i quit school and home-educated myself. lol byeguys.
and that's pretty-much where the real story begins.
but, right at the crux of that, the whole world seemed to be taken from me, by complex autoimmune disease. i didn't realise i had it at first, because i just powered through it, never talked about it, and assumed it was normal.
i became bedridden and a lot of bad stuff happened.
i had to leave everyone - and they left me, too.
i was dead to the world, so i had no purpose.
there was nothing i could do.
i'm probably going to end this here.
and continue that another time.
but, in...very brief/vague...
i think that a time of trouble and overcoming, will develop a function that is best-suited for it.. for me, that was with constant planning and preperations, research, organization, grabbing whatever i could, with very limited resources, before i fuckin KO'd permanently.
having nobody to rely on to help you - everyone around you literally giving-up - this is it now - let her settle-in - fighting tooth and claw to get "experts" to listen to you,
fighting way down untraditional path for some damn justice, for knowledge, for power, for some darn reconciliation on how to be human, having it bite you in the ass years later,
how to live properly when you don't even look alive, rising from utter dependance, from the void, and consuming everything infront of face until found the right answer/cause,
i think that's what drove some Je atleast.
this does not read like a moviescript at all 😛
I got Se, Ti, N/A, Ni active... so soo not grown up at all!
Elsie nice summery at the bottom. I should read this stuff early in the morning.
I'll lay out my conscious functions first before I go to work. Fi and Se will be done later on.
Ni - Obviously Ni has always been a dominant feature of mine, but I'm more focused on how it transforms and reconfigures as other functions develop. As I get into detail onto how the other functions develop, this will be frequently mentioned. As I've mentioned in previous, my foray into mysticism and the occult (more of a study than actual practice) has been a recent interest of mine even though the inclination has always been there. I've always been one to tap into the cosmic continuity of the the universe, life, or whatever. I've always yearned to taste the divine. It felt like something that's both out of reach and barely within my grasp, or so I think. Reading about different modes of spirituality, mysticism, and the occult , the insights they put forth don't surprise or dumbfound me; it's just a better articulation and ordering of the perceptions and conclusions I've already had. In turn, reading these materials have helped better articulate and order my perceptions. I've always been attuned to the phenomena behind the phenomena.
Te - I started to become conscious of my Te around when I started college. You could say this was both a result of a coming of age and out of necessity. I've become more comfortable and competent in navigating complex systems, coming up with and implementing my plans and goals, and making and running processes in an efficient manner. I've always been excellent at organizing, cataloging. and operationalizing data (or more personally, my own desires). An example of the application of my Te is how I apply for my Masters degree. Once I've researched the schools I want to attend and view the requirements that are needed to get in the program, I make time line with the goal of finishing applying by a specific date. Of course, there will be times where I can't follow the outline to the T in which case, I'll just find ways to work around those hoops. The end goal eventually is to not just acquire my degree but to live out and embody my vision (Ni) and values (Fi). That's just a stepping stone on that path.
Fi - My relationship with my Fi has been volatile, manifested in a black and white manner which bleeds into my relations with loved ones. I've always been attuned to my own self-expression and I'm always finding ways to fine tune my mode of expression in the way that I see fit. I frequently philosophize about my inner essence, what that actually is and how do I manifest it. I see Fi to be quite a yin function and through that, I've been in a life long conflict with my own femininity and the feminine principle, as well as learning how to (healthily) navigate my relationships with both men and women. As someone who's very attuned to their dark underbelly and destructive instincts, I want to channel my shadow towards more constructive and higher purposes. The name Thanatesque used to give way to of images and feelings of todesfuge and nihilistic self-destruction. But now I've re-purposed it to symbolize the death and destruction of illusions and shackles, using my shadow as a mirror for others to recognize, confront, and deal with their own shadow, and eventually reach a sort of enlightenment and fulfillment in doing so.
Se - I view Se as a primordial life force that's necessary to experience reality in it's fullest form (as someone with inferior Se). A will to being. My experience of Se is heavily symbolic and impressionistic. A concrete example of this is my love of art and aesthetics. Where words end, art and aesthetics fill in the gap where words no longer suffice. Art and aesthetics are languages in and of itself with their own set of rules, codes, and signifers. Similar to verbal language, the language of aesthetics is dynamic and subject to frequent paradigm shifts but in even more rapid succession than verbal language. We metabolize images on both a conscious and subconscious level and decoding those meanings has been an interest of mine.
There was a period of time in my where my anger issues and depression have reached their zenith simultaneously, and it was during this time that I idolized and deified the rage that I carried. It gave me a sense of vitality, motivation, volition, and power that I'd otherwise never felt. Little did I realize at the time that it was an emergency attempt to access my Se, especially during a time where I felt psychologically, physically, emotionally inert, and mired in my own delusions, paranoia, grief, and repressed emotions.
For me to access Se is to disrupt my normal mode of being which is to be disengage with the world and be internally focused, But that disruption of the normal flow of things is necessary in order to fully self-actualize.
Anyone else have an opinion on this topic? Did you know when your non-lead cognitive function came into full consciousness? What was the change? And do you think there were any personal circumstances or environmental circumstances that propelled it to develop? I'm thinking stress, burn-out, societal pressures etc
I’m especially curious to hear from “stack jumpers”, aka the ones with I-I- or I–I development instead of II– but chime in regardless of development order. Why do you think you developed the lead and tertiary, or lead and polar, before the lead and auxiliary?