A Letter to Depression

[Aletheia]

A letter to Depression, my other self:

You there, the one I left behind
the one who cursed me with death
yet took my death in self sacrifice
the one stuck in the past
the one who hates them self..

You are horrid, indeed
a remnant of abuse, of inability
and your pleas for nonexistence are valid
because you shouldn't exist
you never should've existed, my suffering..

But 'should' is an ideal, and life has other plans
and I have moved forward where I can see
things I need to tell you, things you need to hear..

Love will be your relief, the death you crave
which is why you resist it so adamantly
and push it out onto others in impossible circumstances
because you're afraid of your own power of deliverance..

You think you're proving, again and again
your belief that you're not enough
that love is scarce and hard-earned
that suffering is your deserved fate..

But none of this is true unless you make it so.
I know this because I am the you who loves them self
that's how it ends, you turn into me
it's not death you seek but transformation..

A realization of truth, of your own humanity
a change of mind and of heart
a letting go of the ideals which bind your living being
a letting go of the past to be in the present..

And as for the others, their love is not the point
it was never the point.
You looked to them, trying so hard to win approval
because in truth you were desperate to know your own love..

But they were just mirrors, guides
your soul sought to see some fragments of yourself in them
the things you've been denying
so you might finally accept your own admiration.

They were there for you, to help you on your journey
not because you need something from them, but because you are worth it
you're worth every minute of their time and attention
and it is a privilege for them to contribute to your growth.

I tell you, in resisting love you have created a demon in your heart
jealousy may be your greatest torment
the lie of your inferiority has become your obsession
and so comparison of yourself to others is your Achilles' heel..

But what you seek, it's not in them
it's not there, it was never there
and they can't take it away nor disprove it
and it was never lost from you, your beauty, your worth..

It's a waste of time to try to compete with them
it's a waste of time to try to become what others want
this is just another distraction, a way you deny yourself
and you will prove nothing save your masochistic appetite.

You hide because you're afraid of being disproven
you want your false sense of identity to remain, and yet you fear it
so you never try, stating fear of failure or inadequacy
but in truth you're both afraid of being right and being wrong..

If you're right, then you have concrete proof of your fatal flaws
and in your paradigm this means you're not worthy of love or existence.
If you're wrong, then there's no more excuse for you to self-deprecate
you'll stand naked without your beliefs and become accountable to the world.

You are divided,
desperate for your own love yet repulsed by it
desperate to escape the pain yet perpetuating it
confident of your lack of self-confidence
longing for death yet resisting it, misunderstanding the metaphor..

It all cancels out and you're left numb
at the edge of the void with broken questions
running loops in your mind like a rat trapped on a wheel
shell shocked in the face of meaninglessness..

But none of this was ever the point.
You got detoured into self-doubt
you lost your sense of trust
and now you're distracted by your own stories.

When you're ready, you can be free from the confusion
you always had that power
the power to return to yourself in the present moment
the power to reclaim your sense of worth and exist in your own right.

When you're ready, I'll see you on the other side.

Love,
Your Higher Self

[Anonymous]

"You are horrid, indeed
a remnant of abuse, of inability
and your pleas for nonexistence are valid
because you shouldn’t exist
you never should’ve existed, my suffering.."
Yes
"But none of this is true unless you make it so.
I know this because I am the you who loves them self
that’s how it ends, you turn into me
it’s not death you seek but transformation..
A realization of truth, of your own humanity"
True
"I tell you, in resisting love you have created a demon in your heart
jealousy may be your greatest torment
the lie of your inferiority has become your obsession
and so comparison of yourself to others is your Achilles’ heel..
But what you seek, it’s not in them"
True
"You are divided,
desperate for your own love yet repulsed by it
desperate to escape the pain yet perpetuating it
confident of your lack of self-confidence
longing for death yet resisting it"
The Fight to Live
"It all cancels out and you’re left numb
at the edge of the void with broken questions
running loops in your mind like a rat trapped on a wheel
shell shocked in the face of meaninglessness.."
The Compromise
"When you’re ready, you can be free from the confusion
you always had that power
the power to return to yourself in the present moment
the power to reclaim your sense of worth and exist in your own right.
When you’re ready, I’ll see you on the other side."
Once the heart is pierced and the poisoned blood is purged. Life restored.
 
 

[Author]

Posts