Reply To: Harry Potter's Fictional Type

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  • Type: SeFi
  • Development: lll-
  • Attitude: Unseelie

Ok, so I read the post.
I agree with you on principle, and when I close my eyes and picture other people, it works really well. It doesn’t work for me, though.

I had no idea developing another two functions could make this much difference.

To be clear, this post is about me, as an example of a SeFi III- , and I wonder if this is common among PeFi III. I’d really like to find out if this applies to @shelley-lorraine for instance.

I’m putting in bold the themes that come up for me.

new, novel, interesting.  –  I don’t care about this.

Fertility: Springtime, Green, Grapes, Wine., Mirth, Joy. – I don’t care for any of this. It bores me to death honestly.

Youth, New life, Vibrancy, Music, Dance, Sexuality. -> Yes.

Phoenix: Fire, Trials, Challenges, Death, Rebirth from the ashes, Purification, Gold, Refinement of Character  —> 100% vital and central to me.

Because with Pe, the new idea may be just as good or better as the old one, or it could be crappy. Pe will discard things and try again, but it may also just discard things if they’re too boring. There isn’t a brick-by-brick continuity there. —> This sounds like death for me. I am not exaggerating when I say that the idea of living my life this way, when I lost my voice, made me feel suicidal. The only reason I kept going, is I dug deep down into myself to rediscover my purpose. I even took 50 hits of LSD at once to destroy myself, because staying the way I was, was worse than death – and I needed to wipe that slate clean and be reborn as something else.

For the  few years following my voice loss,  I studied Jung and Comparitive religion, and learned to control my dreams in a highly disciplined fashion to communicate with my unconscious and plant seeds in myself to germinate the desired results. The rest of my life has been about pursuing concrete projects that are in line with my sense of purpose.  Shedding blood, sweat and tears to become whatever the project demands.

To me, there’s no point in living if I don’t know what’s worth dying for.

There is no arduous process in Pe’s version. It’s almost a type of forgetfulness or disinterest that causes newness. “I wanna do something else now” is the most bratty expression of this.   So renewal isn’t at all the same.  —> You’re right, and I absolutely do  not relate to this, even a little.  I have regenerative, renewing, bright energy about me; but I’m happiest when I’m doing the exact same thing for hours and hours every day, bleeding my lifeblood into a project. Being sick, and being forced to take breaks from work, has been a nightmare for me. I’m the type of person who obsesses about work when I’m on vacation. (Granted, it’s my creative work coming from my soul; but there’s an arduous process behind it.)

For me the phoenix myth is not just about new life but is *specifically* about the betterment of character, it’s about rising up towards the philosopher’s stone; alchemy. And alchemy is about turning lead into gold. Turning a weak, unimpressive metal into something glorious. This has a hierarchical element to it (a value system) that Pe doesn’t have. —> Exactly the point I was making on my website: that my life’s purpose is to polish the vessel; to be an increasingly perfect vessel through which passion and truth and vision may emerge. This is not about “oh I like singing and writing.” It’s about, “my fingers are burning but my guitar gently weeps. I will make that thing fucking sing if I die doing it.” Anything less, would be a waste of life. I’d be ‘surviving,’ but not ‘living.’  For me, living is striving, refining, becoming, rising.

Singing through my whisper was turning dust to gold. Making beauty out of wreckage. Symbolizing that very process, embodying it. I embodied alchemy. And it was not “fun.” It was a heavily disciplined lifestyle every second of every day, just to get sound out and to play those shows. Everything was about my voice – my diet, I couldnt go out and talk, my workouts, pills, vaccuuming, so much more – it was all discipline for the Cause of transforming the ashes of my voice to gold. I rose to the challenge with every breath for years, and beat the odds senseless. And I have never been happier.

It is absolutely unconscionable, to me, to consume plants, animals, space; to create garbage and waste; to spend money, to expend resources and space – if I don’t know why I’m doing it, what I’m striving for. If I’m not actively, consistentlyg pushing myself beyond the limit to become something more – I would rather end my life.

Don’t get me wrong: I LOVE being alive, and I want to live forever.  But death is less fearsome to me, than the prospect of living moment to moment without a purpose.  I’d have  no moral qualms about ending my life if I was unable to fulfill a purpose that felt central to me, even though I love being alive with every bone in my body. “Just doing stuff moment to moment for the sake of mirth and joy” is suffocating and, for me, joyless.

That said, ‘purpose’ to me is not about getting a job and paying the bills. It’s about putting myself through the grind for the sake of channeling something timeless and eternal.

I was a terrible writer, but a vision came to me, after I destroyed myself – I believe it came to me for a reason. I had to learn to write, no matter what; I live in its service.

Everything else I do – paying bills, caring for my health, studying typology – is in service of realizing this vision. I take time off to clear mt mind and recover from bouts of illness, and I understand that I can’t write if I don’t LIVE and  communicate with real people- but I always feel like I’m not really alive if I’m not writing.

Even @Ivory is part of the vision. I could not have gotten married, and would not have considered it, with anyone that would ‘get in the way of my project’ rather than being a muse and a partner in it.

Love is not a break from work, but a chance to go deeper into it; to make the vision real; to test my ideas against reality, live them out, and expand. It is also a test of character, strength and integrity. I would never settle for less.

  • This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by Animal.
  • This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by Animal.
  • This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by Animal.
  • This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by Animal.
  • This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by Animal.
  • This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by Animal.
  • This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by Animal.
  • This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by Animal.
  • This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by Animal.
  • This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by Animal.
  • This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by Animal.

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