- Type: FiSe
- Development: ll--
- Attitude: Unseelie
Alright, I think I’ve percolated my thoughts long enough! hahaha
So, I’ve changed a lot in my life, and many times. I have been many different versions of myself, many different selves, and I am still in a constant state of change. If I ever sense that I have stagnated in my growth, this is actually pretty troubling to me. I get the most exhilaration, the feeling of most aliveness, when I am learning and growing core aspects of myself.
So, off the bat I will acknowledge the fact that I am a trans woman, and this obviously implies some substantial self-change in my life. But I think everyone goes through change in their lives, everyone grows, and a lucky few of us get the privilege of actually forging ourselves by our own hand and vision. I got the idea a little while ago to write something called The Common Transition, about how not only transgender people undergo transition in their lives. Everyone does. This is why I mentioned self-actualizing in my above post, I think this is a really key way of understanding how we all Become as human beings with true BEing. It’s cliche, but I truly believe that the self is an action, a being, a state of mind one can slip in and out of. And I’ve always experienced self-change like this.
Throughout my life, I’ve always changed in ways that felt more fulfilling than how I was before. I almost never had a clear intention or direction in my change, but somehow, a clear trajectory seems to be pointing the way from behind my growth – I have fairly consistently become looser, yet more steady in myself. I have consistently felt more and more of a feeling of Awareness, Awakeness, and Consciousness. I have followed this feeling of clearmindedness, sobriety, and temperance, and as I follow it, I have had more of an ability to feel tranquil when I think to. It’s almost like learning to find paths through the brush of the woods. When I was young, I thought the only way through way to just plow forward in whatever direction I wanted to go, or give up and sit in a single spot, but now I’m learning that there actually are ways to learn to navigate, ways to recognize a path through that I couldn’t see before. It’s mostly been learning to accept, and then find peace and awe in the largeness of the forest, the chaos of the trees, and the order that this life will go on around me whether I engage with it or not. So I may as well engage with it with warmth and affection, hoping that I’ll maybe find some goodness in that.
That was all pretty abstract, but I guess to summarize, my self-change and growth has usually been totally unplanned, but from an outside perspective and looking back, seems like it must have some kind of underlying guidance. There has been some invisible trajectory that I have followed whether I have been aware of it or not, though it’s been easier to find peace when I am aware of it.
I have always had a great deal of concern for the sovereignty of each individual, but my methods for seeking that have changed over time. When I was younger, I was really into anarchist and utopian philosophies where everyone was able to do whatever they wanted when they wanted, everyone was always free from any sort of domination, and where there was no hierarchy between people. But like any sort of edgy ideology we adopt as teens, I suspect my motivations for being into it were mostly because of it’s coolness factor, and only partially for it’s merits. I mostly was totally unversed in the actual philosophies and ideas of the figures who created the stuff I was into. As I grew older a bit, I kind of loosened my affiliation with that ideology, and started thinking about how we could even come to that utopian society. Who would manage the sewage by choice? Who would tend to the roads? How would we care for the environment around us with no plan? Who would do all the actual labor – those who had lived mostly intellectually driven lives before the advent of utopia, or those who had been actually doing the hard manual labor? To create this vision of a more perfect society, we would first have to address the inequalities of this current one. And as I started to realize this, my allegiance to this ideal started to kind of loosen. I started relating to it as just that: an ideal. Something unattainable, but probably something worth chasing anyway. A platonic ideal which to hold our own actions against and judge them for their intention.
But as I got even older, my thinking started to change again. Lately I have been thinking of the fact that every single person has their own ideal to strive for. On a planet with almost eight billion people, there are eight billion different perspectives. How could we strive toward a common ideal of a more perfect world, a more perfect society, when we each have our own concept of what that even means? When we each come from different cultures, with different histories, with different values, and different ways of doing the basics of life? How could I have been so presumptuous, so arrogant to think that I could hold an ideal that would benefit everyone equally? Something that could allow everyone to live a fulfilling life? So I’ve kind of settled on a belief in the feeling of steadiness I get from placing my ideal in a completely ambiguous place, and that to have a world where we can all exist a little easier, I am going to need some help, and we are all going to need to compromise some deeply held personal truths for a greater good. I’m going to updating and refining my beliefs for the rest of my life, and I suspect that as I refine them, they will paradoxically become a bit blurrier and blurrier, and that’s okay. I still believe we all deserve some basic respect for what we hold to be true, and that we all have a right to try to seek those truths in the world, even enact them. But I also understand that there is no action without consequence, no enacting a truth you believe to be self-evident without damaging someone else’s. We all hurt and help each other constantly in everything we do, sometimes to great extremes. We kill and with give birth, even as we constantly destroy and give birth to ourselves. Living as a human being with a single perspective among 7.67 billion other perspectives is obviously inconceivably complicated. And that’s okay, because that’s just how it is, but I will still try to have at least some small effect for what I believe in in the scope of my own tiny, tiny life.
So my goal has pretty much remained the same since I was a kid, before I even knew anything about ideology, or philosophy, or ethics, or humanity. We all deserve a chance to grow and self-actualize, and that should have as much support as possible from the systems we put in place to govern ourselves, whether they be mechanical or social. My methods have just changed over time to become less rigid and more ambiguous, and my goal has become clearer to me through all of it. Mostly I have relaxed more and more since I am carrying less and less of the world on my shoulders. Maybe in a philosophical sense, this is why Ji pairs with Pe? As we learn and grow, we learn more and more to just appreciate this moment, because it really is all we have. And vice versa. We cannot just sit around enjoying life all the time, sometimes we have to make things better than they are now. And the cycle goes on.