- Type: FiNe
- Development: ll--
- Attitude: Unseelie
I just tried to post, and my post didn’t show up! So I’m trying again, and hopefully it won’t result in double-posting.
I just got typed as FiNe II– Unseelie, and Auburn suggested I check out this thread. So, I wanted to add my thoughts here. It’s worth noting that in MBTI-land, I consider myself an INTP and even here in CT-land, I relate more to Ti than Fi. But I’m still learning. From what’s been said so far in this thread, here’s what I either relate to or don’t:
“I sense the hidden, unspoken “vibes” of the room or the person in front of me. I sometimes feel like I have a weird psychic “link” to another, that I’m accidentally tuned into the same wavelength as them. I’m great at intuiting other people’s next words and future moves. As if I’m reading your mind (not feeling your heart). If I’m comfortable I’ll try to give voice to my observations: “I sense you’re hesitant, uncertain, anxious etc”. But most of the time I won’t say anything. Instead I’ll silently and subtly tweak how I approach you or the situation to suit what I believe is going on behind the scenes and the future I anticipate unfurling in front of me. I will try to jump onto your wavelength and flow with you, not against you.”
I don’t relate to this. What other people are thinking and feeling often feels pretty mysterious to me, and I don’t think I’m very good at reading people. I sometimes get a sense that something is “off,” but I usually don’t know what it is. And when I do have a sense that something is “off” with someone, I don’t really know what to do about it – certainly nothing as sophisticated as subtly tweaking how I approach them to suit what is going on with them.
“But I don’t “feel” or absorb another person’s emotions. It’s more of a clinical detached observation from behind a wall.”
I mostly relate to this. There are times when seeing someone else cry has led me to start crying too, but it’s only if I’m already experiencing those emotions and seeing the other person crying kind of pushes me over the edge. Otherwise, if I’m not already experiencing those emotions, it feels like the clinical detached observation you describe.
“I feel very capable of compartmentalising my inner world and my emotional reactions. I can view terrible footage and not feel anything emotionally inside.”
I have experienced this both ways – I have viewed things that have emotionally moved me and also viewed things that I recognized as “tragic” without actually feeling the corresponding emotions. I’m trying to figure out what distinguishes those situations in which I feel from those in which I don’t. I can’t say with any confidence at the moment what it is. A couple of things that come to mind are that I am less likely to feel emotionally moved if I feel like the footage is manipulating me specifically to try to emotionally move me and I am more likely to be emotionally moved if the footage involves harm to animals. That tends to get to me.
“Other people’s outward displays of emotion makes me very uncomfortable and I want to leave. But I’m also curious to think about the why behind the other person’s reactions. If someone has, in my opinion, an irrational emotional outburst, I like to think about the possible various factors that contributed to their reaction: what is their personality, what might be their past experiences that coloured their present interpretations, what is their perspective. Psychoanalysing. I don’t feel like it’s my problem to deal with their emotions or calm them down. I don’t ever want to be the person anyone leans on for emotional support. I try to rationalise and understand feelings and emotions, without getting personally involved.”
I agree that other people’s emotional displays make me uncomfortable. Since I’ve become interested in typology, I do sometimes try to analyze what’s happening to them through that lens, but that wasn’t something I ever did before. Psychoanalysing does not come naturally to me.
“I have excellent control over my own feelings and emotions. This is partially why I dislike uncontrolled displays from others. I think, why can’t you pull yourself together? Why are you burdening others with your emotional needs? I see myself as logical, calm, controlled and level-headed. I think before I react and am very self-contained.”
When I was younger (early high school and before), I cried very very easily, and that was something I really didn’t like because it’s pretty embarrassing and awkward to start crying in front of a teacher or in the middle of a class. Nowadays I cry much less easily. In fact it’s pretty rare, and I kind of feel like I have to consciously choose to cry in order for it to happen. I don’t think my aversion to other’s emotional displays are so much because I think they should control themselves. It’s just awkward for me and I don’t know what to do, so I’d rather it not happen. At least that’s true with most people. If it’s my husband, I tend to have more of that “pull yourself together” attitude, which I actually really don’t like about myself because that’s the opposite of how I would want someone to treat me if I was upset.
“I’m allergic to public consensus. Anything that’s popular among the general public I probably couldn’t care less about. I like to make up my own mind about things that interest me and I’ll come to experiences in my own sweet time when I’m ready.”
I have noticed that I seem to have a bias against the mainstream view. If I’m researching something, and I learn that there’s a mainstream widely accepted take on it and then there’s someone else saying, “Hey, I’ve figured out that the mainstream view is wrong, and here’s why,” I’m more inclined to believe the person saying the mainstream view is wrong. I like to think that I am still able to judge both views logically and I’m not just taken in by anyone claiming the mainstream is wrong, but I do have a bias in that direction. For some reason it just feels plausible to me that the mainstream view is usually wrong, or at least oversimplified.
“I’m a perfectionist and a control-freak. I like things a certain way and that’s usually my way. I can be bossy with the way things “should be”. I might listen to your opinion, but ultimately do my own thing. I’m very picky with personal aesthetics. Only certain colours, fabrics, and textures are welcome and I’m very quick to judge appropriateness. I will reorganise a room or office to my tastes if it’s cluttered, disorganised or ineffective. Even if it’s a shared space. I won’t ask, I’ll just do it. I will streamline files, papers, and maximise desk space. Everything will have its place. I go nuts labelling the room. I feel much more peaceful and in control once the space is perfect. I am meticulous about crossing the t’s and dotting the i’s.”
I am a control freak when it comes to my own life, but not when it comes to other people. In other words, it’s really important to me to have autonomy to choose how I will live my own life, but I don’t really care what other people do. This can end up being kind of controlling from my husband’s point of view because there are so many aspects of our lives that are shared. So, if it’s very important to me that the place I live be a certain way, that means the place he lives has to be that way too because we live in the same place 🙂 I’m not that picky about aesthetics though. I have opinions, but it’s not a big deal to me. And I’m not much of an organizer. I’m pretty disorganized. But I do do the thing that I will decide for myself how I want a certain system in our home to work and I will go ahead and implement it without consulting my husband :/ (which I realize is pretty hypocritical of me because I really wouldn’t like it if he did that).
“I’m very hard on myself if I underperform. I think if you’re going to do something, do it right the first time. The pressure comes mostly from myself. I don’t care if other people have lower expectations or standards, I will judge based on my personal measure and definition of success and acceptable performance. There’s very little you can say to talk me down from the proverbial ledge when I disappoint myself. People say I’m too hard on myself. I think others don’t try hard enough.”
Totally relate to this. I actually get really bothered when I’ve disappointed myself and other people try to comfort me by saying that what I’m doing is actually good. They think they’re being comforting but they’re actually just arguing against my deeply held beliefs, which doesn’t make me feel better.
“I have my own set of values, standards and things that I think are important in life that may or may not echo society’s values […] I have a lot of patience and acceptance for people just trying to be themselves. I feel more tolerant than average to alternate lifestyles, gender-orientations, sexual-orientations, fringe-groups and alternative forms of self-expression.”
Agree. I don’t specifically rebel against something just because it is a commonly held value. For example, I do actually value marriage and having kids for myself even though it is very “traditional.” But I don’t value anything just because it is a societal value. For example, I don’t care about money or status at all. I question everything and figure out what makes sense to me, personally. So there are a number of things that I personally value that would be considered unusual. I am also very tolerant of other people and “alternative” lifestyles. I will say that when I think I have figured out the “right” way to do something, I do sometimes have some internal judgement of other people doing it differently. But I’m not judging the people, I’m just judging their actions, if that makes sense. For example, I have done a crazy amount of research on parenting methods, and so I have pretty strong ideas about what is “right” and “wrong” in terms of parenting, and I do judge what most other parents are doing as the “wrong” way to do it. But I don’t judge those people as being “bad.” They’re just doing what they think is best. I recognize that it’s weird to do the amount of research I’ve done, and that in some ways it’s probably healthier to be a little less obsessive and perfectionist about it, so I don’t fault other people for not doing it the “right” way.
“Decision-making can be easy. I don’t need a factual list of pros and cons, or to forecast every potential future scenario that may evolve from my choices. I don’t need elaborate decision-trees, and I don’t need to ask everyone around me for their opinion or input. An idea or future option will appear to me, and it will just feel right.”
I don’t relate to this at all. Decision-making is extremely hard for me. I agonize over every decision and change my mind constantly.
“Options are either a natural part of me, or not. They quickly take root inside and make themselves at home like they were meant to be there all along, or they just don’t vibe well with me. It feels like things are sorted by “does belong” and “does not belong”.”
Nope. To me, it feels like the answer to everything is “it depends.” I can see both sides of everything.
“I think people would describe me as: difficult to get to know, reserved, shy, quiet, perfectionist, principled, honest, studious, independent, diplomatic, hard-working, sweet, gentle, calm, thoughtful, intelligent, acts with integrity, even-tempered, rational, pessimist, skeptical, truth-seeking, distant, opinionated, difficult to please, snob.”
I relate to most of this, with a few exceptions. I don’t think I’d often be described as “hard-working.” As a student, yes, but not in the rest of my life unless it’s working at the specific thing I’m really interested in at the moment. “Sweet” kind of depends on who you’re talking to. Almost everyone who knows me would describe me that way (and that actually is one of the most common words people who don’t know me super well use to describe me), but people who have actually lived with me might not. They know the side of me that can be very stubborn and “hard” in certain areas. It’s like I have a soft exterior and a hard interior, and the people who live with me are become part of my interior, so they see the “hard” side.
“I actually get annoyed when something or someone tries to appeal to my emotions rather than logic, and I notice when dealing with others, I tend to try to appeal to their logic, which doesn’t always work. I process my emotions by thinking through them, from a detached analytical point of view. I struggle with understanding others’ emotions and sometimes my own. Whenever someone is upset about something I usually approach the situation by giving advice to solve the problem, because that’s what I would want, rather than emotional comfort or sympathy.”
I relate to this big time. My default response to feeling an emotion is to immediately start analyzing it logically – this is actually one of the main things I’m working on with my therapist right now. She’s trying to help me learn how to just feel the feeling without jumping straight to analyzing it. And I also react to other’s problems by offering advice. I’m trying to work on this too (the book Nonviolent Communication is helpful), and just empathize with what they’re saying, but it feels very unnatural to me. I feel like a robot trying to be a therapist.
“When people are more emotionally expressive I am not too affected by it, unless they are demanding an emotional response from me, in which case I tend to shut off because it feels intrusive or forced.”
Big time relate to this. This is a source of difficulty for me whenever I talk to my mom. She likes to share with me whatever horribly tragic thing she’s heard on the news, and I can tell she’s looking for me to have a certain emotional reaction, which makes me totally shut off emotionally.
“I’ve also struggled to relating to the Te description. Anything to do with making money, business, etc, is super foreign and weird to me.”
Same. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to relate to Te because it’s not conscious for me, but money and business stuff is of no interest to me.
“If [emotions] are just shoved back down then they fester and may manifest in the body as illness or may create other problems such as resentment. I think emotional/social intelligence is just as important as intellectual intelligence, otherwise there will be unbalance. I don’t like it when people lean on me for emotional support because it’s difficult for me to do on demand, unless they know that I will approach the situation from a detached manner and that I will most likely try to solve instead of soothe. However, the older I get and the more loss I’ve experienced, I realize there is something to be gained to just let the emotions go and just sit in them, rather than control them […] I think I’m more comfortable in general with emotions than I used to be, and I try to be more present with experiencing them and being in my body, rather than in my head all the time. But I do still tend to think through my emotions, so it’s a work in progress.”
Totally agree. As I mentioned above, I’m working with my therapist on this exact thing right now.
“I don’t think most things are so black and white, rather they have nuance and lots of grey areas that require philosophical exploration and are constantly changing and progressing. I enjoy sparking these types of discussions, because they can cause others to reflect on their own ideals and values, as well as my own. I think opinions and values are so personal and require a combination of both subjective and objective ideals, ie philosophy and ethics. I always try to take a neutral stance unless it’s something I feel strongly about or want to spark a discussion, but even then I don’t mind discussing or entertaining different view points. I will say, I tend to favor logical arguments over emotional ones, but it depends on the topic.”
I also don’t see things as black and white. I see the grey in everything. I enjoy playing devil’s advocate. If I’m talking to someone I feel really comfortable with, having philosophical discussions and entertaining different viewpoints is one of my favorite activities. But I don’t do this with people I don’t know super well because I’m afraid I might offend them.
From Elisa Day:
“They say I surprise them in my ability to stay cool under pressure and level-headed in times of crisis.”
Nope. I’m no good in a crisis. I just panic. I think that quality in you may actually be related to Se. I read in Dario Nardi’s book Neuroscience of Personality that people with high Se are very good in a crisis. Of course CT is different from what Nardi uses, but there could still be a connection.
Since some people have brought up enneagram, so I will add that I have not been “officially” typed, but I definitely identify as a 5.