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- Type: SeFi
- Development: lll-
- Attitude: Unseelie
Thank you so much! Due to your warm reception I will repost it. 🙂 And you are so right. I would not even want to control someone else’s perception of me by controlling them in some way. I would only want to know that as the ‘artist’ who created ‘myself,’ I did justice to the vision. And this indeed opens the path to what feels like ‘true connection. Beautifully phrased <3
Here it is:
I’m starting to figure out what’s actually wrong with me and why I have so much difficulty socially. I’ve been hunting for the right vocabulary to express and understand this for years, and tonight, I made some headway. I am going to do more research.
My friends and I were talking about how everyone, at their lowest times in their life, may exhibit behaviors that fall into “Cluster A, Cluster B, or Cluster C” – even without a psychological diagnosis. Basically, these clusters speak to our lowest “baselines,” the darker behaviors we are capable of at our worst. Some people actually have disorders in these areas, while others may just have a ‘streak’ or a ‘lower potential’ to look for. Without experiencing all the symptoms of the psychological disorder, they may display remote tendencies. So we were discussing which dark tendencies lie in our deepest underbelly.
When having such discussions, I always assumed I’d fall into cluster B, given it’s “dramatic.” But it was off. My ‘shadow’ behavior is really not about wanting attention- it’s about rapid thoughts, manic bursts of energy, and grandiose passion. Although I may be reactive in the moment, I actually don’t think to manipulate the social situation for the sake of getting attention or personal supply. Normally, when social stuff goes wrong, I just vent about it at best; more often, it just doesn’t hold my attention. On tests, I always score “healthy attachment” and usually my psychiatrists, no matter how much I whine about guys who don’t like me, never think I have attachment disorders. No matter how over-passionate others think I am, an attachment disorder is not what underlies the problem.
I have been diagnosed formally with “bipolar spectrum” disorders, due to my rapid speech, periods of over productive ‘mania,’ and relentless, lifelong insomnia. I assume Bipolar can appear like Cluster B because it’s DRAMATIC. Though my doctors have recognized that I’m on the bipolar spectrum, I have not received a full diagnosis because I don’t experience severe depressions or manic delusions. That only happened when I was severely unhealthy and traumatized, and it still was not a danger to myself or anyone else. (Aside from the insomnia.)
But I’ve also struggled with dysphoria my whole life, though I am not sure how to classify this. I’ve always had gender dysphoria, but it’s beyond that. I don’t feel like becoming male would actually fix the issue, because I still would not be expressing what is truly inside me – as a short, 5’4 male with female parts and a whispery voice. So, this solution would not leave me feeling any better. Thus I am not transgendered, despite the lifelong persistence of dysphoria. Another point is that I don’t “identify” as male. I just find I express best through male characters, relate more heavily to masculine archetypes than feminine ones, and prefer wearing masculine or androgynous attire.
I’m wondering if the ‘manic delusions’ normally associated with Bipolar are somehow related to my dysphoria. This is what I have to figure out. My hangup is around striving to make my outside match my inside – but always falling short, which causes dysphoric feelings, self loathing and shame. Dysphoria inspires me to express my inner experience through producing art about it and living an artistic lifestyle (writing, music videos, costumes, expressive outfits and online profiles, etc), but the mismatch between what’s inside and outside has also caused suicidal ideation (long ago, at my worst) and an ongoing sense of isolation from other humans, like no one really knew who I was. I berate myself for failing to express my vision of who I am, or do justice to it. I also have a tendency to mythologize myself and others, which is not necessarily psychotic since I understand what reality is; but others can be offended by my poetic and archetypal descriptions in general. I have tried to learn to speak ‘human’ rather than only in archetypes, symbols and passion language, when discussing people. Typology provided a helpful bridge for me in this area, to translate “Erosian” to “English.”
At bottom, I don’t care all that much about gender, nor whether I look really hot or my body parts are perfect – what I do care about is whether my body is an appropriate canvas to express what’s within. This can overlap with body dysmorphic concerns and gender concerns, but that’s not the crux of it. My creative work goes a long way here, in creating more satisfaction around this issue. This is part of why I was so driven to work on my artistic talents from such a young age, and get my stuff out there. This ‘real me’ and ‘personal vision’ had to come out and it wasn’t possible with words and modern backdrops.
Between my bipolar symptoms (rapid processing, rapid speech, relentless insomnia) and my dysphoria, if that’s the right word for it (the desperate need to bridge the gap between who I am inside and what the world sees) – I end up expressing with passion and manic displays, which are DRAMATIC. It may come off narcissistic or histrionic at surface – but in truth, I don’t notice much whether I get attention or not. I don’t track who likes my posts, who calls me or doesn’t, who shows up or not, etc. Misunderstandings about who I am and my intentions can get me quite reactive, but I don’t actually crave “attention,” nor do I play social games to get attention.
My father once said to me, “There are two types of musicians – those who entertain the audience, and those who display their inner world and allow others to watch.” He explained that he was the first type, and I was the second type. He’s right! I display my inner process for others to explore or discard at their leisure. I don’t track the responses very closely, which gets me into trouble socially. What I am tracking, and obsessing over, is my ‘accuracy’ in expressing myself correctly. But however expressive, manic and intense I may seem in public, the bulk of this expression happens behind closed doors, and my true inner world is out of reach to most, until I release long projects like concept albums and books. It doesn’t bother me that this is isolating (I am totally fine with many types of isolation, for better or worse) – what bothers me is that my inner world is too vast to share, which means people don’t get the full picture of me. Of course I know that’s delusional, because anything I do is equally “me.” But anyway, this is my point: expression of my inner identity is so vital that it causes dysphoria, which is behind much of my rapid streams of thought, aiming to ‘clarify’ my person or my opinion.
- This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by Animal.